had i been a better person growing up, what would be different now?
if i had spent less time complaining about what i thought i couldn't do,
would i still regret the things i hadn't done, haven't done, hadn't said, never got to say?
i feel guilty. guilty and ... sorry.
and i can't tell if my memory is what i'm upset about, or the fact that i have deified the precious few i have.
in the same way that you might keep an old, favorite book in your thoughts,
you... have lived in mine.
everything i wanted to be,
the things i hated that i changed,
the things i am anyway that i grew to want to be,
i owe to you in some way;
i know that.
i LOVE that.
is that what i meant that night?
but in the ways i've changed and evolved, i know you have, too.
does that invalidate how i feel?
because it does nothing to make me stop missing the person i knew.
it does nothing to make this feeling go away.
i think about you every day almost,
and in a way i've never felt before, or since, it ... hurts!
it's mad, it's blue, it's white-hot, it's a high E#;
is it just nostalgia?
if i had been more honest,
more diligent from the start,
would i at least remember exactly what happened!!
would i have been able to stop it?
or make it better?
if i hadn't told you how i felt one night
if i had rehearsed it,
would i only have fevered memories
of how your face looked, or how your hair fell?
could we have ever been happy?
are you happy,
regardless of me,
regardless of anything or anyone else?
i expect, no,
i hope for both --
i hope you aren't lonely,
i hope you aren't hungry, or cold.
when i contacted your sister, i guess i had forgotten why i left, too.
how much does a pseudonym cost?
...or does it even matter, past the lie?
-- but if you could forgive that --
it has been eight years since we met;
it feels like it was yesterday morning.
and then it was five years. how often did we speak?
was i afraid of you? afraid to waste your time.
then something happened? we did not speak; my timeline is erroneous, which never happens,
and i don't know what happened, and i don't know why,
i got to say hello to you again!
was it one year now, or two?
i was so anxious, you were so sudden,
and i have watched so eagerly for the notification popup
because if i had the chance to do it again there are so many more things i would tell you,
and so many things i'd hope you would tell me.
you walk in my thoughts and in my days and while i am here,
you are elsewhere and
i fear that i will feel this way forever
and never be able to tell you how delighted and sorry i am that you were,
perhaps, the first
and last person
to ever inspire me.
you became so much more than just a friend to me.
it sucks! it sucks that i feel this way after all this time!!
but i miss the fuck out of you;
i miss you as though your soul departed,
because for me, it has; i can't find you now.
i don't remember where you said,
or even what,
because of how ecstatic i was and how like ecstasy, it left.
but i miss everything about you;
-your- memories, your attitudes;
i miss the nuance of your typing,
the subtleties of the art you made.
i miss the things we joked about,
i miss crying with you that thanksgiving;
i miss white roses and your meaning -- i'll honor that meaning, if i can do nothing else.
i miss the music you showed me, and through it, the cultures;
i miss kurosaki marathons and hungarian white paprika and even furcadia, surprisingly!
i miss talking about our heritages
and the kalevala so much i've designed tattoos about it!
could we visit the faroe islands?
i miss buying white contacts to match yours months before seeing dir en grey;
i loathe the fact we never really discussed them after that.
i miss the way stuck man stuck out to you after uroboros dropped;
i miss screaming ensiferum lyrics at my school
as though i was trying to impress you from a thousand miles away.
i miss the way you smiled, and laughed, sitting like L,
one of the first times i saw your face!
and oh, gods, as yoko...~
(did you fix your anemia? can you fucking believe i suggested spinach?!
they debunked that so long ago!! how did i not know?!?!)
cherry blossoms scattering;
i miss you so much.
i miss so many things; i miss all of your birthdays and holidays and excuses to buy you presents and make you things and talk with you, the last person i was able to talk about all of my favorite things to.
are they my favorites because of you?
the time we shared is infinitely precious to me and i hate nothing more than how ephemeral it was.
i took it for granted,
and by delusions of jealousy or inadequacy or... something else,
i was kept from even asking about how your days had gone,
what you'd learned,
what you'd wanted to...
and now it has been so, so long.
maybe you were oblivious; maybe i haven't been a second thought.
if i could blame me, would you?
but if you still came back,
i would request if nothing else,
to give you one promise:
that in the time we have not talked, i have learned!!
and regardless of what i could have to show for it,
despite having pillaged so little!!
i will continue to learn,
with curiosity, with open-mindedness i doubt i'd have if not for you.
in this time, i've beaten the me from that night i was so eager to be better (if you even remember~)
i have built both functional objects and functional networks;
i have spoken confidently; made art that won accolades;
i picked up drumming again to the point where i'm even proud of me!!
i've a dream that you're reading this, listening to alcest;
it's a fever dream that i'd play winterhalter's parts for you,
or kurenai, in some store with a keyboard on display...
luckily, miraculously, i conquered so many of my inhibitions --
and i promise to always keep trying.
whether inadequate in absence of you,
or from very top of the spider's thread,
until i see you again, ari,
you'll be my standard of comparison.
there isn't a better one.
from the bottom of my heart,
from the marrow of my bones.
-- jakob / "drake" -- firstname.lastname@example.org -- 8F4E5CE7
Listening to: an illusion of warsaw